Skip to main content

"Death Spa" dir. by Michael Fisha


"Death Spa"

Where I watched it: AMC+

I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into when I put this on. "Death Spa" is a horror movie that takes place at a fitness center in the late 80s. Now, is a fitness center usually considered a spa? I'm not sure, but it's definitely not what comes to mind when I envision a traditional spa. Especially not the kind of establishment that this movie takes place in. It's almost like a workout mall.

This gym/spa thing is inexplicably run by an advanced computer system that literally controls everything from the hot water in the showers to the resistance levels on the exercise bikes. The computer system is operated by one person named David, and he's a computer wizard of unmatchable skills.

But forget about that for now. Let's talk about Michael, the infinitely cool manager of the gym/spa. Rarely wearing a shirt and constantly desired sexually by all who frequent the gym, Micheal has a traumatic past, one where his wife immolated herself because... I'm not exactly sure why... she was in a wheelchair, I'm blanking on the setup... maybe she was injured in a gym accident. Doesn't matter. She's dead. And the computer wizard, David (who is also Michael's dead wife's brother), blames him for it.

Amidst the weird and colorful jumble of 80s meets 90s aesthetics, we have our plot: THE GHOST OF MICHAEL'S DEAD WIFE POSSESSES THE COMPUTER SYSTEM THAT RUNS THE SPA.

Sorry for the caps, I felt it necessary.

So, with that we get a series of goofy deaths such as: man's ribcage gets blown out while using an arm press machine, woman gets melted by acid water sprinklers (the ones that turn on when there's a fire in the building), woman gets killed by putting her hand in a haunted blender, and so forth.

The acting is pretty bad but I would expect no less from a film like this. The computer guy David has a "Troll 2" moment.


The filmmakers did a great job at hiding the crew/equipment from the many reflective materials/surfaces in the scenes but unfortunately didn't do as good a job hiding the boom mic.

I will say some of the practical effects used for the death scenes are pretty cool. The melted woman and a woman whose head literally blows up in one scene is top notch.


For all the stupid stuff going on in this, I have to admit that it's a pretty fun watch. The amount of boobage in this is the definition of excessive and let's be honest it was probably the main if not only reason this film was made in the first place.

Oh, this film was released in Europe under the title "Witch Bitch."

6/10

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"The Cursed" dir. by Sean Ellis

"The Cursed" Random pick from Amazon Prime, this actually turned out to be a pretty amazing film. "The Cursed" is a gothic horror set in the late 1800s. After slaughtering and stealing land from a Roma clan, a curse is unleashed on the family and village responsible for the aforementioned atrocities. This film is another one that I'd recommend knowing as little about as possible. It's no secret that this film taps into the werewolf lore that most are familiar with, however it takes some completely new approaches and pushes some serious boundaries in terms of violence and gore. Outside of Boyd Holbrook's awful British accent there wasn't much to not like about this film. It's shot gorgeously and the pacing is somewhere between slow and medium at first but ramps up quite a bit in the last third. 8/10
Post a Comment
Read more

"Mutant" dir. by John "Bud" Cardos

"Mutant" Forget every vibe you get from the title and poster, this is a zombie movie. "Mutant" is the story of two city bois who go to a small country town to relax and party hard. Nearing the small town they are driven off the road by the local yokels and are forced to hitchhike the rest of the journey with a weird man named Mel who claims that there are aliens visiting the town. Mel is straight up lying to the two city slickers as he damn well knows that he's the root of the problem as he's been experimenting on the townsfolk by slathering them in toxic waste. The end result of Mel's sloppy experimentations is that the town turns into zombies and yep the city bois gotta stay alive long enough for the movie to end. For some reason this movie has a cult following and I'm not sure why. It's got horrible production value, the acting is along the lines of those Italian cannibal movies I just watched and the story is weak even for a zombie movie. Wha...
Post a Comment
Read more

"The River Wild" dir. by Curtis Hanson

"The River Wild" Where I streamed it: "The Hollywood Suite" via Prime. "The River Wild" is about a family that gets stuck on a raft with a couple of bank robbers. Not only is this movie made by the director of 8 Mile but it also has an all-star cast of 90s Meryl Streep, 90s Kevin Bacon, 90s John C. Reilly, the kid from Jurassic Park and the most forgettable face in cinema, David Starthairn. The film takes a while to get going but once it does... IT'S PURE TENSION AND EXHILARATING WHITE WATER RAFTING UNDER EXTREME DURESS. However, it is not without flaws. There's some pretty stupid stuff going on here. For example (mild spoilers... doesn't really matter): David Strathairn's character is able to sprint non-stop over 2 mountains, then make his way down the river to get ahead of the boat that initially left him behind in the river and still have time to set up the most elaborately underwhelming booby trap ever. Not only is this unhumanly possib...
Post a Comment
Read more