"Two Witches" dir. by Pierre Tsigaridis

"Two Witches"

Pardon me for what may seem like a complete digression but I just thought of this analogy and I think it's perfect....

This movie is a Pterodactyl. Hear me out.

Imagine this... you have a dinosaur egg... you don't know what's in it.... it could be any dinosaur. Your mind is going crazy with the possibilities. Maybe it's a T-Rex. Maybe it's a velociraptor.

The egg starts to shake. Holy shit whatever dinosaur is in there is about to come busting through. Your heart is racing. This is nuts... a dinosaur?! These things have been extinct for millions of years and here you are about to witness one being born. This is truly wild.

The egg cracks a little. You hear a tiny shriek. Cute... but also foreign in a way you know is the noise only a dinosaur could make. The egg cracks a little more. A smile envelopes your face as you feel more and more like John Hammond in that baby raptor birthing scene in Jurassic Park. You even adopt a Scottish accent as you encourage the little dino, "Push! Push!"

A small beak pokes through. With little effort you break off the top portion of the egg shell revealing the reptilian infant.

It's a f***ing Pterodactyl.

You see... some might be excited at this discovery. Hey it can fly... that's pretty cool, right? I mean it's a dinosaur... that in itself should be enough to merit extreme awe and praise. However... in the back of your mind... not even that far back... you wish it was a T-rex or a velociraptor.

Basically what I'm saying is this movie was pretty cool but it could have been cooler.

6/10

Comments

"The Cursed" dir. by Sean Ellis

"The Cursed" Random pick from Amazon Prime, this actually turned out to be a pretty amazing film. "The Cursed" is a gothic horror set in the late 1800s. After slaughtering and stealing land from a Roma clan, a curse is unleashed on the family and village responsible for the aforementioned atrocities. This film is another one that I'd recommend knowing as little about as possible. It's no secret that this film taps into the werewolf lore that most are familiar with, however it takes some completely new approaches and pushes some serious boundaries in terms of violence and gore. Outside of Boyd Holbrook's awful British accent there wasn't much to not like about this film. It's shot gorgeously and the pacing is somewhere between slow and medium at first but ramps up quite a bit in the last third. 8/10

"Mutant" dir. by John "Bud" Cardos

"Mutant" Forget every vibe you get from the title and poster, this is a zombie movie. "Mutant" is the story of two city bois who go to a small country town to relax and party hard. Nearing the small town they are driven off the road by the local yokels and are forced to hitchhike the rest of the journey with a weird man named Mel who claims that there are aliens visiting the town. Mel is straight up lying to the two city slickers as he damn well knows that he's the root of the problem as he's been experimenting on the townsfolk by slathering them in toxic waste. The end result of Mel's sloppy experimentations is that the town turns into zombies and yep the city bois gotta stay alive long enough for the movie to end. For some reason this movie has a cult following and I'm not sure why. It's got horrible production value, the acting is along the lines of those Italian cannibal movies I just watched and the story is weak even for a zombie movie. Wha...

"The River Wild" dir. by Curtis Hanson

"The River Wild" Where I streamed it: "The Hollywood Suite" via Prime. "The River Wild" is about a family that gets stuck on a raft with a couple of bank robbers. Not only is this movie made by the director of 8 Mile but it also has an all-star cast of 90s Meryl Streep, 90s Kevin Bacon, 90s John C. Reilly, the kid from Jurassic Park and the most forgettable face in cinema, David Starthairn. The film takes a while to get going but once it does... IT'S PURE TENSION AND EXHILARATING WHITE WATER RAFTING UNDER EXTREME DURESS. However, it is not without flaws. There's some pretty stupid stuff going on here. For example (mild spoilers... doesn't really matter): David Strathairn's character is able to sprint non-stop over 2 mountains, then make his way down the river to get ahead of the boat that initially left him behind in the river and still have time to set up the most elaborately underwhelming booby trap ever. Not only is this unhumanly possib...

RRR - Randall's Review Room

Search This Blog