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"31" dir. by Rob Zombie


"31" is a horror film by cult film maker/rock legend Rob Zombie. It stars the cast of "The Lords Of Salem" and of course his wife Sheri Moon Zombie. The plot is this: A gang of redneck carnies get abducted on their way to a show and are forced to play a Thunderdome-esque survival game called "31" where killer clowns are deployed to exterminate the hostages for the viewing/listening pleasure of a trio of white Louis XVI cos-players.
Before I go any further I must state that I am and have been a huge fan of Mr. Zombie's cinematic endeavours since the very beginning.
That being said, this film is a steaming pile of horse shit.
So here we go:
- The kills suck. This was marketed as Zombie's most violent film to date and 90% of the deaths are off screen.
- The acting is normally pretty bad in a Rob Zombie film but this takes it to a whole new level. Sheri Moon tries her hand at speaking patois, something she must have learned from studying Rob Ford's crack tapes (He does it way better imho).
- There's no reason to care about anything that happens. The "gang" of carnies are total trash and are immediately identified as being unlikable characters. The clowns that kidnap them are basically the exact same types of people (obsessively vulgar rednecks) but only just a slight bit worse, so there's nobody to really root for. At the end of the film I still had no idea what any of the character's names were.
- The film is set in a.... carnival? Nope! An industrial factory reminiscent of Freddy's favourite nightmare hotspot. And it's dark as fuck... not in tone but it's actually almost impossible to see what's happening most of the time.
- The people running the show are in the movie for a total of about 5 minutes (this includes Malcolm Mcdowell) and we learn nothing about them. Why do they do this? How are they even witnessing the game of "31"? There are no TV's/Monitors/Viewing areas. They don't even know the rules of their own game as we find out in the end as one of the women asks Mcdowell "What do we do now?" to which he responds "I don't know."
- The editing is so weird. The pacing feels like there were scenes omitted from the film or just never shot. One second the gang are travelling together having a blast making lame typical Rob Zombie sex jokes and then the next they are tied up in a factory. Literally this happens in a 15 second period. And like 3 people from the gang die in this 15 second bit (not shown on screen) and are never mentioned again. There are also way too many cheesy attempts to recreate a retro/vintage horror vibe with freeze frames and campy wipe transitions.
- The movie is fucking boring.
And then there's this:
- Ok so I didn't actually see this but I read it online. After select screenings of the film there was a Q&A video with Rob Zombie. When asked "What inspired you to make this film?" he responded by saying, "Well, I was working on a movie that got stuck in production hell so I called up my team and told them 'I can pitch you the dumbest simple idea that will make money right now in 30 seconds. It's Halloween... uh people get kidnapped... uh clowns kill them. Boom. That will make money."
What a twat.
So if I had to rate this film (which I don't) I would have to give it a:
2/10 and that's only because the opening scene is actually pretty decent and that really just comes down to Richard Brake's performance. Also there is some semi-amusing set design and there are one or two scenes with some interesting lighting choices.
But save yourself the headache and the money and torrent this crap if you feel the need to see it.

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